


Stripped Down, Unplugged

by orphan_account



Series: Let By Laws Be By Laws [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Epistolary, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Metafiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 01:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5478929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The bylaws stood strong for eight years before Jack Zimmermann and his crew got Cute.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. '11 - '12

**Author's Note:**

> this is the (previously promised) text version of "Da Rules." formatting kept to a minimum. :)
> 
> all the warnings from da rules apply to this work, so obligatory copy/paste here:
> 
> this is 99% silly fun, but here are a couple potential trigger/content warnings: there is a brief allusion to sa in the second chap. (list item no. 9), and although it repeats due to the nature of the fic, it is never elaborated on, nor is it graphic--it's just part of establishing a v important rule. there is also a tiny hint of csa in chapter four (no. 24), but also in a forbidding context.

**The By-Laws**

  1. The Hockey House, located on **(address redacted)** , will be henceforth known and referred to as “das Haus.”

  2. Only SMH players may live in the Haus.

  3. Rooms will be passed on through a lottery system; unHaused upperclassmen have priority unless they defer.

  4. A leaving senior may bypass the lottery system by giving an underclassman dibs on his room—sealed via handshake.

  5. The Haus must be stocked at all times for a kegster.

  6. The first frog to score in a game must perform the first kegster.




 


	2. '12 - '13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sa cw applies here

**The By-Laws**

(Revised as of 10/20/2012)(11/14)(12/12)(4/28/2013)

  1. The Hockey House, located on (address redacted), will henceforth be known and referred to as “das Haus.”

  2. Only SMH players may live in the Haus.

  3. Rooms will be passed on through a lottery system; unHaused upperclassmen have priority unless they defer.

  4. A leaving senior may bypass the lottery system by giving an underclassman dibs on his room—sealed via handshake.

  5. The Haus must be stocked at all times for a kegster.

  6. The first frog to score in a game must perform the first kegster.

  7. Whoever lights up is responsible for turning the smoke detectors off first. (#0, JJ)

    1. Whoever lights up is also responsible for turning the smoke detectors _**back on**_ and will be held accountable for the financial consequences of forgetting. (#1, JLZ)

  8. Cigarette smoking is permitted only in the haus if the player who wishes to smoke is prepared to listen to one J. L. Zimmermann discuss the adverse effects of tobacco on athletic performance for an hour at minimum. (#42, BK)

    1. This player will be held accountable for the emotional consequences of any other persons unable to escape the tirade. (#42, BK)

    2. For the purposes of this by-law, both the porch and reading room shall be considered within the haus and consequently subject. (#42, BK)

  9. Only “yes” means yes. (#42, BK)

    1. If there is any ambiguity, assume the answer is “no.” (#42, BK)




 


	3. '13 - '14

**The By-Laws**

(Revised as of 9/10/2013)(1/18/2014)(2/20)(3/12)(3/13)

  1. The Hockey House, located on **(address redacted)** , will henceforth be known and referred to as “das Haus.”

  2. Only SMH players may live in the Haus.

  3. Rooms will be passed on through a lottery system; unHaused upperclassmen have priority unless they defer.

  4. A leaving senior may bypass the lottery system by giving an underclassman dibs on his their room—sealed via handshake.

  5. The Haus must be stocked at all times for a kegster.

  6. Whoever lights up is responsible for turning the smoke detectors off first.

    1. Whoever lights up is also responsible for turning the smoke detectors **back on** and will be held accountable for the financial consequences of forgetting to do so.

  7. Cigarette smoking is permitted only in the haus if the player who wishes to smoke is prepared to listen to one J. L. Zimmermann discuss the adverse effects of tobacco on athletic performance for an hour at minimum.

    1. This player will be held accountable for the emotional consequences of any other persons unable to escape the tirade.

    2. For the purposes of this by-law, both the porch and reading room shall be considered within the haus and consequently subject.

  8. Only “yes” means yes.

    1. If there is any ambiguity, assume the answer is “no.”

  9. “Bag of milk” is only an acceptable chirp if you are:

    1. Sidney Crosby. (#4, AB)

    2. Regularly referred to as “the next Sidney Crosby.” (#4, AB)

  10. Those who do not contribute to the butter fund may not partake in the resultant pies. (M, LD)

  11. No recordings of any kind will be made of a teammate while they are not fully dressed. (#1, JLZ)

    1. “Educational programming” included. (#1, JLZ)

    2. Explicit permission from said teammate excepted. (#42, BK)




 


	4. '14 - '15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw for (mild mild mild!) implied csa applies here

**The By-Laws**

(Revised as of 8/14/2014)(8/15)(9/4)(9/5)(10/11)(10/12)(10/13)(11/26)(2/3/2015)(2/14)(2/16)(3/1)(3/1)(3/1)(3/2)(3/15)(4/2)(5/18)

  1. The Hockey House, located on **(address redacted)** , will henceforth be known and referred to as “das Haus.”

  2. Only ~~SMH players~~ essential members of the team (#42, BK) may live in the Haus.

  3. Rooms will be passed on through a lottery system; unHaused upperclassmen have priority unless they defer.

  4. A leaving senior may bypass the lottery system by giving an underclassman dibs on their room—sealed via handshake.

    1. Hugs are acceptable alternatives to handshakes. (M, LD)

  5. The Haus must be stocked at all times for a kegster.

  6. Whoever lights up is responsible for turning the smoke detectors off first.

    1. Whoever lights up is also responsible for turning the smoke detectors _**back on**_ and will be held accountable for the financial consequences of forgetting to do so.

  7. Cigarette smoking is permitted only in the haus if the player who wishes to smoke is prepared to listen to one J. L. Zimmermann discuss the adverse effects of tobacco on athletic performance for an hour at minimum.

    1. This player will be held accountable for the emotional consequences of any other persons unable to escape the tirade.

    2. For the purposes of this by-law, both the porch and reading room shall be considered within the haus and consequently subject.

  8. Only “yes” means yes.

    1. If there is any ambiguity, assume the answer is “no.”

  9. “Bag of milk” is only an acceptable chirp if you are:

    1. Sidney Crosby.

    2. Regularly referred to as “the next Sidney Crosby.”

  10. Those who do not contribute to the butter fund may not partake in the resultant pies.

  11. No recordings of any kind will be made of a teammate while they are not fully dressed.

    1. “Educational programming” included.

    2. Explicit permission from said teammate excepted.

  12. ~~No music. (#1, JLZ)~~

  13. ~~When members of the Haus are asleep, keep music down to a reasonable level. (#15, ERB)~~

  14. ~~NO MUSIC. (#11, JO)~~

  15. ~~Keep others’ study and sleep habits in mind when playing music. (#15, ERB)~~

  16. ~~No music. (#4, AB)~~

  17. ~~No pie. (#15, ERB)~~

  18. Members of the haus will ask if their music is disturbing anyone; if someone’s music is too loud, the affected SMH player will politely request that the volume be lowered. (M, LD)

    1. Adam Birkholtz will not be a hypocrite. (M, LD)

      1. a Cappella counts as music, bro. (M, LD)

    2. Eric Bittle will not pretend he can forgo making pies. (M, LD)

  19. No unwanted rough housing! (#15, ERB)

  20. ~~Upperclassmen (i.e. juniors and seniors) shall not lie with frogs. (#42, BK)~~

    1. ~~Unless instigated by the frog. (#11, JO)~~

    2. ~~Unless they are in a committed relationship. (#15, ERB)~~

  21. ~~No dating or sex within the team. (#1, JLZ)~~

  22. ~~Does the stick up Jack’s ass count as a member of the team? (#4, AB)~~

    1. ~~If so, he is breaking his own rule and should be punished accordingly. (#4, AB)~~

    2. ~~If not, can we please initiate it with next year’s frogs? (#4, AB)~~

  23. ~~Upperclassmen may only lie with frogs upon receiving a positive response from the frog and a consensus among the rest of the team as to the wisdom of their coupling. (#42, BK)~~

  24. SMH players will remember that frogs are almost always adults and can make their own decisions. In the event that a frog is not yet eighteen, standard rules of being a human apply. (M, LD)

  25. Graduated players and Hausmates are always welcome to come back and visit. Room will be found. (#15, ERB)




 


	5. '15 - '16

**The By-Laws**

(Revised as of 8/3/2015)(8/26)(8/26)(8/27)(9/30)(10/1)(10/2)(10/2)(11/2)(11/2)(11/15)(11/17)(11/19)(11/19)(12/8)(12/10)(12/10)(12/11)

  1. The Hockey House, located on **(address redacted)** , will henceforth be known and referred to as “das Haus.”

  2. Only essential members of the team may live in the Haus.

  3. Rooms will be passed on through a lottery system; unHaused upperclassmen have priority unless they defer.

  4. A leaving senior may bypass the lottery system by giving an underclassman dibs on their room—sealed via handshake.

    1. Hugs are acceptable alternatives to handshakes.

  5. The Haus must be stocked at all times for a kegster.

  6. Whoever lights up is responsible for turning the smoke detectors off first.

    1. Whoever lights up is also responsible for turning the smoke detectors _**back on**_ and will be held accountable for the financial consequences of forgetting to do so.

  7. Cigarette smoking is permitted only in the haus if the player who wishes to smoke is prepared to listen to one J. L. Zimmermann discuss the adverse effects of tobacco on athletic performance for an hour at minimum.

    1. This player will be held accountable for the emotional consequences of any other persons unable to escape the tirade.

    2. For the purposes of this by-law, both the porch and reading room shall be considered within the haus and consequently subject.

  8. Only “yes” means yes.

    1. If there is any ambiguity, assume the answer is “no.”

  9. “Bag of milk” is only an acceptable chirp if you are:

    1. Sidney Crosby.

    2. Regularly referred to as “the next Sidney Crosby.”

  10. Those who do not contribute to the butter fund may not partake in the resultant pies.

  11. No recordings of any kind will be made of a teammate while they are not fully dressed.

    1. “Educational programming” included.

    2. Explicit permission from said teammate excepted.

  12. Members of the haus will ask if their music is disturbing anyone; if someone’s music is too loud, the SMH player bothered will politely request that the volume be lowered.

    1. Adam Birkholtz will not be a hypocrite.

      1. a Cappella counts as music, bro.

    2. Eric Bittle will not pretend he can forgo making pies.

  13. No unwanted rough housing.

  14. SMH players will remember that frogs are almost always adults and can make their own decisions. In the event that a frog is not yet eighteen, standard rules of being a human apply.

  15. Graduated players and Hausmates are always welcome to come back and visit. Room will be found.

  16. No furniture with its own ecosystem. (#15, ERB)

  17. A significant other spending more than four nights a week at the Haus is subject to veto by other Hausmates. (M, LD)

    1. Farmer is a great roommate!!!!! (#55, CC)

    2. Yes, we came to the same conclusion. She can stay. (M, LD)

  18. ~~If you don’t live here, you can’t have sex here!! (#55, CC)~~

  19. Ask permission before buttfucking in your teammate’s bed.

    1. If we can tell what position you’re in, you’re too loud. (#4, AB)

    2. Chill. (#28, DN)

  20. Accidentally cheering against a former teammate during a pro game is punishable by shoe check. (#11, JO)

    1. SORRY :( (#55, CC)

  21. ~~It is not within the purview of Hausmates to find each other dates for winter screw. (#15, ERB)~~

  22. ~~It is HELLA rude to deny your bros their rights as Wellies to get another Hausmate laid. (#4, AB)~~

  23. If an SMH teammate is resistant to being set up for screw because he is pining for someone else, he should probably tell his friends so they can help. (M, LD)

  24. Hiding under the kitchen table is also punishable by shoe check. (M, LD)

  25. ~~If you have a perfectly good bed to fuck in, leave the couch for the people who still have to put up with the dorms. (#28, DN)~~

  26. ~~Let someone know if you use the last condom in the communal bag and can’t afford to buy more. (#1, JLZ)~~

  27. Only current residents of the haus can amend the bylaws. (M, LD)

  28. Let someone know if you use the last condom in the communal bag and can’t afford to buy more. (#15, ERB)



 


End file.
